you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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