I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Randomize
