I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
