My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize