I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
