She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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