So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
