All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
