I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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