Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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