Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
We're too hungover to prance.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
