my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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