I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
