Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
