I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
