Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
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