How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
