using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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