Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
