My first STD was from a foam party
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
