im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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