just survived the first fart of the relationship.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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