I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
