He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
