So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
