Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
last night I used snow as a chaser
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
