I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
