Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
