i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
