No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
This house was built for laser tag.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
