you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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