I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
