i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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