There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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