i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
