You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
