Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
