I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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