I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
