Are we in a gay sports bar?
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
