you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
