Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
