I will die if light touches me.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
it was like eating out sand paper
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
