Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
She bit a glass in half.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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