The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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