she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
