Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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