woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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