I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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