I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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