we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You're like the curious george of whores
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
