My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
