i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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