her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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