Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
