I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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