This is not my ceiling
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
