I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
