I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
