Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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