is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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